The average dating coach is similar to the average physical fitness trainer. They’re too broke to be honest with you…
They don’t want to scare you off with the truth (no, that would cost them money). Dating coaches are generally desperate for clients, so they don’t turn away someone that they really shouldn’t be working with. This is why I cringe if I’m introduced as a “dating coach” (because most aren’t honest enough to get you the best results).
I figured I would fill you in on some of the things they likely won’t tell you. I present:
18 Truths Most Dating Coaches Won’t Tell You:
1) Though you say you are wanting to find “love”, it’s above 90% likelihood that you are actually chasing validation and control.
You know how you fall for someone more when you discover that they’ve been interested in you? Yeah?!? That’s not good… It’s common, but not good. It’s a sign of you falling for people mainly because they validate you as attractive and unique.
This is one of the leading reasons why fixing your dating life can seem complex: You want someone that validates you (someone that is “out of your league”), yet you aren’t willing to risk being devalued through social rejection. This leads to you subconsciously pushing all potential love interests away from you (“It’s so hard to meet someone that is my type”) in order to protect your ego.
Your type becomes a contradiction: Someone that is hard to get (validates you) yet you need them to be easy to attract so you don’t loose your sense of self if you were to get rejected at any point during the introduction, dating phase, or relationship.
Side note: When your love is based on validation it fades. It’s hard to continue feeling incredibly validated by someone you are extremely familiar with (and are aware of all of their flaws). Example: Which of the following perks you up more: A family member or friend gives you a compliment of, “Wow, you look really nice”, or a person you don’t know says, “Wow, you look really nice”, while standing beside you in line at the store?
This is why the first thing we work to develop in most people is their VIMBASE (passionate firstly as an individual, self-driven and self-inspired). It is so important to invite someone into a confident and passionate life rather than asking someone to bring you a sense of confidence and passion.
2) Your romantic life won’t be an instant fix.
In any complex area of life (wealth, health, family relations, dating, love, etc) there are too many moving parts and resistant habits to be able to create positive transformation in a short amount of time.
- No, you aren’t going to become a millionaire after 1 month of study and diligent work.
- You’re not going to “Master Your Dating Life” by reading a book and going to a weekend boot-camp.
- You’re not going to get 6 pack abs by doing 6 minutes of ab crunches.
- A pill isn’t going to make you loose all your weight.
Stop believing people that are selling lies like the ones above.
Note: This is the very reason why our mentoring programs are 3 months it minimum. If you want real lasting results, you need to put in real quality attention and effort.
3) You may actually need to be single for awhile.
If you assume that “finding the one” will fulfill a hole of insecurity and boredom within you, then you need to be single until you prove to yourself, that you can be confident and passionately happy on your own (aka develop your “vimbase”).
4) You’ll never completely eliminate your social anxiety without residing in it consistently.
The fear of social rejection is definitely at the top of the list for human fears. Most men report approaching a beautiful woman in a public place as being more intimidating than getting in a fist fight (fact).
Would you believe me if I told you that once you’ve been in a fist fight, you’ll never fear another fight ever again? No! Areas that ignite our fight, flight or freeze response cannot be overcome after one singular triumph. You must make it a habit. If you have months where you are anti-social, you will always fall back to your average social anxiety levels.
Only about 15% of your fear will be fixed via thought and study. The rest must be relieved through actual experiences. Sorry, but you aren’t going to meditate yourself out of social anxiety and into the arms of your ideal lover.
5) Your end goal will change as you become more successful.
The usual progression of peoples goals in dating is listed below. Most people wont ever evolve past #1. Vimbasi people are required to change this instantly.
- I want someone to make me feel unique (validated).
- I want to be able to get a lot of dates.
- I want to be able to get the right dates.
- I want to be able to get the right dates, without having to act like I’m someone I’m not.
- I want them to fall in love, not just with me, but also with who they are when they’re around me.
- I want the above numbers 4 and 5, AND I want both of us to be free and whole individuals that come together, rather than two halves trying to complete each other. (Note: many people may say they want this, yet few people can actually create this due to feelings of scarcity).
Note: the above are the general phases of dating goals. The general goals and phases of relationships are different.
6) You need to date many people. Love doesn’t flow the first time.
It’s very common to meet someone in life that is ideal for you. Yet life will frequently get in the way. For example:
- They already have set plans to move away and you have plans that keep you from leaving.
- The two of you are perfect in almost all areas. But 1 or 2 big things pull you apart.
- You’re in a relationship that is perfect that you believe will last forever. A tragic accident, illness or death occurs.
- You find your ideal partner but you don’t know yourself well enough for the two of you to work out. Most couples breakup because of big misunderstandings and miscommunications (not because of true disagreements).
- You meet the lover that is the “whole package”. The type of person you thought you always wanted. Then as time goes by you or your partner realize that there is a difference between what you mentally thought you would like, and what you actually long for. Have you ever gotten to the top of a goal that you thought would mean everything to you, just to realize you want something different or more meaningful? That experience happens in romance as well.
7) You can’t attract everyone.
Sorry, but there is no master plan that makes you successful with every person. There is no packaged set of lines or “date questions” that will make you successful. There is no “opener” that will make your introduction to women flow perfectly every time.
In dating there are too many variables to be able to be consistently successful 100% of the time.
Run quickly from books, programs or coaches that claim they can get you 100% success.
What is possible: For you to be passionately loved by many, hated by some, and barely noticed by thousands.
What is also possible: COMPLETE failure. Especially if you do what common man or woman does: Rely on fate and time to fix your dating life. I’d put money on your love life not reaching anything extraordinary if you aren’t making regular investments (in effort, time, study, and money) to improve it. Do you want to find out if I would bet on your success? Read this article next: CAN you improve your dating life? C.I.P. The 3 basic checks.
8) It’s not them, it’s you.
The opposite sex is not the enemy. Nor are all of your ex’s 100% to blame. It does take two to tango, but it only takes one to lead it in a new direction.
Or in the case of those that are single: It does take two to tango, but it only takes one to invite someone out on the dance floor.
You likely have trouble influencing your dating life because you fail to take as much responsibility for it as you could.
This applies to men and women both. Changing your relationship isn’t like trying to change a nation. You’re trying to positively transform the relationship between two people. One person can make a very big impact. You just have to take the initiative.
This very idea is what lead to a client of ours tagging what we do as “Seductive Integrity”, it all starts with you.
9) Getting laid won’t make you happy.
Okay it will, but not if you’re trying to get laid to validate your ego. Which is unfortunately the motivating factor for many 17 – 28 year old men and women. Personally, I think hookups and short term lovers can be outstanding experiences! Even a one-night stand can have an abundance of vulnerability, truth, love and intimacy. The problem isn’t sex or the one-night stand. The problem is the mentality most people bring to these situations. I’ll leave it up to you to personally choose your preferences when it comes to short term sex. However I will suggest this: Take validation, defensiveness and ego out of your sex life as much as possible if you want to enjoy it in a more enriching sense.
With that said here is an additional truth: You might need to work it out of your system by actually getting laid. Especially for men. It can be hard to lose feelings of desperation, inadequacy, and yearning for control when you feel that you have little or no control over deciding when you have someone in your bed or not.
It is an honorable goal to make sex and attraction a conscious ability. Just keep in mind what we at Vimbasi Warriors always say: “It’s okay to be seductive, just don’t lose integrity.”
Click the following link if you want to read an article that will give you more enriching goals for your sex life: So You Can Seduce…
10) The idea of having a “Soul Mate” is ludicrous. You have many!
“Life partner” is more applicable. If you only have one soul mate out there, then you must be a judgmental asshole, to be honest. There is an immense amount of people out there that you can fall deeply in love with.
Everyone is focused on finding the right one, when in reality, they have to learn how to filter out what they don’t want and focus on EVOKING peoples greatest characters. People generally hide their greatest traits until they feel safe to express them. The question comes down to whether or not you can evoke passionate traits out from hiding.
When I hear people list out what they want in a partner, it typically isn’t too complex. It typically is filled with things that MOST EVERY PERSON HAS (but most every person also hides). Examples:
- Capable of being vulnerable and real
- Sense of humor
- Caring – Nurturing
- Can mix well with my friends and family
- As sexual or a little more sexual than me
- Likes to travel
- Has goals that they are working on in life
Typically after seeing someones “list” of what they want in a partner my response is: “That’s actually everywhere, that’s a very tangible list. As long as you’re meeting people in the right atmosphere, most people would carry these traits… You just have to be able to evoke it out of them.”
Trained people, Vimbasi people, are pros at this. Average people don’t try or don’t even know how to begin.
11) The easiest route ends up becoming the overcrowded route (which makes it the most frustrating and difficult one).
Men and women typically choose the paths that will hurt the least, but they fail to see the paths that will get them the most passionate dates in the most efficient way. Example:
Everybody knows, ONLINE DATING SUCKS. Yet they still use it. Why?
Online dating is one of the easiest ways to handle rejections. It just doesn’t hurt as much as getting rejected publicly and in person. This is especially true with dating apps like Tinder. HOWEVER: Online Dating is very identical to Multi Level Marketing, the Lotto or “Get Rich Quick” schemes. It is a bad idea because it’s over-saturated and filled with people that are only trying to take the safe and easy route (that actually rarely works out in a truly deep and passionate manor).
PS: In case you didn’t’ know: The goal of most online dating companies it to keep you finding “six’s or seven’s out of 10’s”. Why? Because if you found your true love within 1 week, their company loses money. Online dating sites generally make their money in 2 different ways:
1). Marketing Attention: You may not pay them money but you do pay them with your attention. They then sell that attention to companies that want to market to your continually watching eyes. So they loose money if you don’t remain using their system very regularly. Their goal: “Make this person addicted to this app. Give them just enough to come back and try again and again .” (and let’s be honest: you do).
2). Monthly Fees: Whether it’s $29 a month or $300+, they loose money if you find a relationship that is ideal (because you’ll stop paying). They want you coming back again and again, or at minimum they want you committed for a couple of years.
12) Improving your romantic life requires dedication and vulnerability.
No instructor can take your place on a date and then say “Take all this attraction your feeling for me and give it to my friend over there. He’s a good guy”.
No instructor can take your place in your relationship and then say “take all this passion and this feeling of being beautifully understood and attach it to the boyfriend you can’t stand currently”.
No instructor can hold your hand and make you talk to people for the rest of your life.
You need to be willing to face your weaknesses, you need to be willing to read past the bullshit of the “Dear John” letters in your life.
Note: This is why we have applications for our big programs. We don’t want to work with people that we can’t help, and we can’t help people that aren’t willing to be hard workers, vulnerable and real.
That’s why it’s called Vimbasi Warrior, rather than Vimbasi Wishful Thinking…
13) You shouldn’t believe everything you read.
Have you ever looked up health symptoms online? It typically isn’t a good idea. You’re going to get random answers, most of which don’t apply to you at all.
The same is true with your dating life, yet even worse. There is no federal organization trying to take down inaccurate information in regards to dating and love. There are a lot of people out there giving advice that is far from accurate.
Keep in mind that it wasn’t’ that long ago that humanity also put faith in the following things:
- Tobacco is good for your lungs.
- Reading books made women sterile
- The world is flat, and it was the center of the universe
14) Coaching boot-camps or short term shallow online programs are not a good value for your money.
Taking a weekend seminar, short program, or boot-camp, is going to give you better results for a couple weeks at best. Greatness in any large category of life requires developing a lot of skills that are all built off of habits (which you can’t accomplish in a weekend – or even 1 month).
If you can’t afford a large program, then you should be investing in programs that go really in depth with very specific subjects. For example: One of our cheapest programs The Mechanics of Asking Out, teaches men one thing, really in depth. To the point that if you implement it, you won’t ever need to question how to ask a woman out well ever again. In a sense, you’ll be a pro at that one part of attraction.
15) If you think you’re “all good” in your romantic life, then you most likely aren’t.
It’s very likely that every romantic couple you have around you has a mediocre love life at best. To make this point quickly, ask yourself the following question:
Picture all of the couples you have seen around you in the present day and the ones you have seen in the past. How many of them would inspire you to say “THAT relationship is what I want”?
Common answer: 1 (and I rounded that number up).
I bet you look around and say “I don’t want any of what I see around me. I want something special.”
The people that truly have outstanding relationships are people that are constantly improving them. Don’t mistaken this with the common couple that is constantly repairing their relationship.
This is why we at Vimbasi Warriors teach others to custom tailor their love life via “Vimbasi Relationship Design” and “Vimbasi Custom Relationships”. You can inquire about such programs here.
16) Money won’t repair this area of life. However…
Simply put: if money fixed love lives then Vimbasi Warriors wouldn’t work with as many wealthy people as we do. In the past, wealth used to earn men a wife when the purpose of marriage was mainly for stability and security purposes. The more money a woman makes individually (which is great, get it ladies!) the less they choose their lover based off of money and the more they choose their lovers based off of emotional reasons.
However: Being broke isn’t going to make any of your relationships any easier. So don’t use this as an excuse to neglect your financial development.
17) Your friends and family are lying to you.
Have you ever noticed how women tend to be convinced that all of their friends “are pretty” or “beautiful”… That’s not them being honest. That’s them bending the truth. Bending the truth may be an understatement in some cases.
Have you ever noticed how ugly babies are always perceived as handsome and beautiful by their parents? Confession: I was one of those ugly babies (Click here for proof).
The same goes with the little brat, that spoiled child… Their parents love them, when everyone else hates them.
The first lesson to learn here: your friends and family are delusional at best when it comes to giving you dating advice.
The second lesson to learn: Your loved ones don’t want to have to tell you the truth. Who wants to tell someone any of the following:
- You’re anti-social and you never go out. What do you expect?
- You’re a coward that never makes an attempt. You can’t wait for someone to come knocking on your door.
- You are very judgmental and you need to step off your imaginary pedestal.
- You’re waiting for the “perfect person” but are very far from perfect.
- You aren’t beating 95%+ of the people you’re competing with. Complaining and blaming won’t help fix that.
- You never interact with the opposite sex with your full character. You’re always playing it safe and acting like a friend that isn’t sexually interested (even though you really are).
- You’re not happy with your life and you requesting lovers to revive your happiness and your self-worth… That’s repulsive. (Note: this is the exact opposite of what “Vimbase” represents).
- You seem to be afraid of your sexuality so you creep people out since all of your flirtatious efforts come across as nervous, forced and awkward.
- Your life is in shambles, how do you expect someone to see a diamond when it’s covered in shit?
- You need to take care of your health and appearance more.
- You hate the opposite sex, and they can smell that on you. Fix your jaded opinions.
- You keep focusing on people that have no real interest in you. No it’s not going to work out with that one person in another year or two.
- You hate your own sex and rather than trying to stand out from the crowd in an honorable way you keep trying to impress women by tearing other men down. That looks pathetic.
- From what I hear, you suck in bed. Sex is important in love, improve yourself as a lover.
No, instead they are going to feed your something easy and comfortable: “You’re great as you are! Just be confident, just be yourself, and someone will see you for who you are…”
Dating coaches that support these soft bullshit messages when they know it’s not benefiting you are only making things harder on you.
It’s a lot better to hire someone that is genuinely real with you (which sometimes hurts) so you can actually fix your problems rather than live with the struggle of them for the rest of your life.
18) A Relationship isn’t the finish line, it’s the starting line.
“I’m a really good catch. If I could just meet the right person and hit it off with them, I’d make them so happy!” I use to believe that when I was a virgin 70lbs overweight, lazy, broke, uneducated, and desperate. I use to believe that I was a “really good catch” when I had no real understanding of myself, love, women, dating, seduction, sex, true authenticity or individual integrity.
To put it simply: unless you are trained and experienced in relationships, you are FAR from where you could be. Just like you should always be working to improve your health you should also be improving your “Seductive Integrity” regularly. It’s only you and your lover that misses out if you don’t.
From the man that likely has your back more than you do:
Ander Adams Seductive Integrity & Relationship Design Mentor of the Vimbasi Warriors
Video from Wistia posted after this post